Letter From A Married Man

4 Feb

I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Jennifer (not her real name).

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us – our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie – everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another city with Jennifer. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

New Beginnings

Life was sweet!

Jennifer and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Jennifer – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook. I had Jennifer and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Jennifer was my future, Jennifer was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Jennifer and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2 AM.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Jennifer, used the hours I spend woo-ing Jennifer on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret Sets In

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Jennifer and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Jennifer, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave. I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men. She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too Late

And then came the day she met John. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with John, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids, it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how John spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking. They went to the Bahamas where he proposed and she said yes -they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. John’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Jennifer was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

“HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”

Signed,

Divorced Man With a Lot of Regret

Advertisements

Terminally Ill Man Gets Last Wish

8 Jan

A terminally ill man recently married the love of his life. The two met when they were homeless and realized they shared a lot of the same interests. Such a sweet story.

Click for full story.

Should a Man Date If he is Struggling with His Finances?

12 Dec

A little something I found while trolling the internet. 😊 Your thoughts, should a man date if he is struggling with his finances?

Reboot In Order

11 Dec

Hi Everyone!

Thank you for your continued support. So sorry I’ve been MIA. I’ve been preoccupied with family, clients, volunteering, writing the next 2 books, and recasting vision.

All that to say, I missed a few months not because I had nothing to share but because I could never carve out the space to share the content in my head … don’t be surprised when you see a flood of posts!

I do want to encourage everyone to be a little kinder, a little nicer to your fellow man. We can’t control what people do or how they treat us, but we can control our response.

Tamar Braxton is Quitting Music to Save Her Marriage

25 Sep

Songstress, Tamar Braxton is reportedly quitting music to save her marriage to Music Executive, Vincent Herbert.

As a married woman, I understand and respect her decision. Quite often in marriage, there are sacrifices that have to be made to make the union work. None of us fully knows what has happened behind closed doors. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for Braxton. However, family should always come first.

We wish her all the best!

Full Story Here:

https://pagesix.com/2017/09/24/tamar-braxton-quitting-music-to-save-her-marriage/

Who Deserves the Honor?

15 Sep

Her stepdad pays for the wedding, but her “biological dad” is bestowed the honor of walking her down the isle. This is wrong on so many levels.

Your thoughts?

Click for full story.

http://newsely.com/trending/father-pays-wedding/

Relationships-411: Couple of the Week

28 Aug

Jesse & EricaCouple Picture

Wedding Date: April 11, 2015

How we met: Online (Christian Mingle)

Advice: In marriage, you bear each other’s burdens. If one partner is unhappy, it hurts the other. That’s why it’s so important that you are fulfilled. Seek to know God’s calling on your life and pursue it! Don’t play it safe for fear of hurting your marriage. The best gift you can give your spouse is you happy and whole. They’ll experience your joy too!

GREAT ADVICE

valentines day pic

If you would like to be featured in our “Couple of the Week” spotlight send an email to, info@terrycato.com and put Couple of the Week inquiry in the email subject line. Thanks! 

Why Millennials Cheat

10 Aug

A recent study asserts that Millennials cheat for two primary reasons: 1) they feel that their partner is not satisfying their needs and 2) they want more independence.

Read full study here:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/millenials-cheat-partners-two-reasons-relationships-infidelity-independence-interdependence-study-a7882076.html

Preschool Sweethearts Marry

3 Jul

I absolutely love this story:

http://abc7news.com/family/preschool-sweethearts-tie-the-knot/2168864/?sf94564783=1

All Male Bachelorettes for One Bride 

3 Jun

Some things are static when it comes to weddings. The bride will wear a white dress; there’s something borrowed, something new and something blue. But what is a bride to do when she realizes that all of her closest friends are men?!

Check out what this Engineering student did.

Full Story:

http://www.insideedition.com/headlines/23494-engineering-student-with-no-female-friends-has-all-male-bridesmaids

%d bloggers like this: