Tag Archives: Advice

I Saw my Friend’s Husband Having Dinner with Another Woman…

21 Jan

Question: I saw my friend’s husband having dinner with another woman.  What should I do?

My answer: Nothing.

cheating-spouse-surveillanceA few months ago, I saw a married man I know at a gas station with another woman. Initially, I thought, “I know this man, I know his wife and the woman he is with right now is not his wife”. For me, this situation was a no-brainer. This is not my business, not my concern – keep it moving. First and foremost, I realize that things aren’t always what they seem.  For all I know, this woman could have been his cousin, his niece, a co-worker, etc. The exchange could have been totally innocent. Second, even if infidelity on the husband’s part was true, I have no idea what their marriage arrangement or agreement is. Quite honestly some wives look the other way when their husband’s cheat and don’t want to know about his indiscretions. Third, I didn’t know the wife well enough to discuss such a sensitive topic. couple-having-dinner

Back to the original question, “I saw my friend’s husband having dinner with another woman. What should I do?” In this situation, the individual saw their friend’s husband in a what appears to be compromising situation. If this friend is a really close friend, they probably already know a great deal about the person’s relationship status. Therefore, simply casually mentioning that you saw her husband at dinner should be enough. If she wants more detail, share without accusing the husband of anything and let your friend take it from there. Who knows, this could have been a business meeting with a client.

Remember things aren’t always what the seem.

Relationship Hot Topics

21 Nov

As we approach the season of love, (Christmas through Valentine’s Day) where a lot of couples historically get engaged, if I was a betting person – I would bet that half of the couples who will get engaged and then married do not discuss these critical topics BEFORE getting married:

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  1. Finances – who will manage the finances, how will bank accounts be set-up and managed;
  2. Sex – their view on sex (frequency, preferences/likes, dislikes);
  3. Children – how many they will have and/or how they will raise them;
  4. Faith or lack of – their belief system and commitment to their faith;
  5. Career aspirations/dreams/goals – some people actually talk about their career aspirations with their future spouse, but most fail to discuss their dreams and wants.

If this is you – you have become recently engaged to be married, talk about everything. Don’t just cover the obvious basics: the past, family dynamics, and failed relationships. Discuss sensitive issues, such as your spending habits and view on money/finances; how many children you want and how you will discipline them, how you will introduce them to your faith, etc.; and don’t be afraid to share your dreams with your future spouse.

Communication is KEY in marriage. The foundation for good communication should be laid long before you say “I do”.

 

ASK TERRY

17 Mar

March 17, 2014

Dear Terry,

What are your thoughts on a woman making more than her man?

-Primary Breadwinner

Dear Primary Breadwinner,

I have no issue with a woman making more income than her man; but then again, I am a woman. This question is highly personal and the best person to ask is a man as their answers will vary based on several factors including their level of self-esteem, how they value money and if it is tied to self-worth, and their view on gender and roles.

I do have a perspective on this issue, since I know of situations where the wife makes more than the husband; and know that for some marriages and relationships this is indeed an issue when the woman makes more money than the man. Modern Day career women have the privilege of being more educated and having more vocation opportunities available to them than women did 50 years ago; and now, more woman than ever work outside the home which has resulted in a vast number of women who have excelled in their career and has resulted in them making just as much as and in many cases more than their spouse. I have witnessed instances where men have publically stated that they do not have an issue with their wife making more money than they do, however, behind closed doors the sentiment is quite different. I actually switched up the AskTerry segment this week and led the Twitter discussion last Thursday to assess people’s general view on this subject. The discussion in summation was that some men do have a problem with their partner making more money than they do because of 1) traditional views of the male being the primary breadwinner, 2) male ego, and 3) men being intimidated by a woman who can provide for herself. There are some things a woman can do to ensure that she does not make her partner feel inferior if she does make more money than he. The first and most important is that she does not belittle his salary or efforts as a provider of the household. Second, the spouse that handles the finances should be the one who is more knowledgeable and responsible in the area of finances and not necessarily the one who makes the most money; in other words, roles in the house or for the family should not be determined by who makes the most money. Finally, the wife should never ever use that fact that she makes more money as a “one up” on her husband insinuating or stating that she is in fact the one holding the house down.

DISCLAIMER: The information or advice in this column should not be substituted for professional counseling. The thoughts expressed in the “Ask Terry” segment of the Relationships-411 blog are the thoughts and opinions of the writer and should be viewed as information and entertainment only. By submitting a question to the column you are hereby granting us permission to publish your question on this blog.

Twitter Chat: Don’t forget to join us on Thurs (8 pm CST/9 EST) for Twitter Chat at #AskTerry to weigh in on the week’s questions. If you have a relationship question or dilemma, email it to ask@terrycato.com

ASK TERRY

6 Mar

March 6, 2014

Dear Terry,

Recently I saw a friend of mine husband casually socializing and having lunch with a woman in the park. A time or two, I thought I saw him lean over close to her. My initial thought was to go over and speak to him and introduce myself to the woman but I didn’t; so he has no idea that I was in the area at that time and saw him. Should I tell my friend?

Sincerely,

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Your question sounds simple enough and pretty straight forward. To clear your conscience being that this is your friend’s husband, I say, yes tell her. You should not editorialize what you saw and draw any conclusions that could influence your friend’s thinking in any way. Simply tell her that you saw [name of her husband] having lunch in the park with someone; then allow her to handle or address the situation. She may have even known about the lunch and the person. The lady that your friend’s husband was having lunch with could very well have been a co-worker and they were discussing business. Or she could be a platonic friend or a relative. I strongly suggest that you not draw conclusions to what you saw in any shape form or fashion – looks can sometimes be very deceiving.

Yours truly,

Terry

DISCLAIMER: The information or advice in this column should not be substituted for professional counseling. The thoughts expressed in the “Ask Terry” segment of the Relationships-411 blog are the thoughts and opinions of the writer and should be viewed as information and entertainment only. By submitting a question to the column you are hereby granting us permission to publish your question on this blog.

Twitter Chat: Don’t forget to join us on Thurs (8 pm CST/9 EST) for Twitter Chat at #AskTerry to weigh in on the week’s questions. If you have a relationship question or dilemma, email it to ask@terrycato.com

ASK TERRY

26 Feb

February 26, 2014

Dear Terry,

How many chances do you give to a cheating spouse or an abusive spouse/significant other?

-Almost Fed-up

Dear Almost Fed-up,

Wow, there’s a saying that goes, “short and sweet” my spin on this cliché as it relates to your letter is that it is “short and bitter”. There is no right or wrong answer to your question since the answer will vary based on each individual situation. And it appears from your question that you may be asking for perhaps yourself and/or someone else because there are two parts to your question: 1) a cheating spouse OR 2) an abusive spouse/significant other.

Due to the sensitive nature of your questions, I will keep my answers brief. First of all, if you or someone you know is being physically assaulted, you/they should seek safety. I am not a domestic violence expert and suggest that help be sought out. As far as the infidelity is concerned, there are some women who cannot forgive a cheating partner and others who can move past it. That being said there is no magic number as to how many chances you give a cheating spouse – this answer will vary for each individual.

Finally, there have been previous posts to this blog about infidelity (http://terry411cato.com/?s=infidelity&submit=Search) and domestic violence (http://terry411cato.com/2011/09/23/what%e2%80%99s-love-go-to-do-with-it/). Please refer to these posts for additional information, resources, and encouragement.

DISCLAIMER: The information or advice in this column should not be substituted for professional counseling. The thoughts expressed in the “Ask Terry” segment of the Relationships-411 blog are the thoughts and opinions of the writer and should be viewed as information and entertainment only. By submitting a question to the column you are hereby granting us permission to publish your question on this blog.

Twitter Chat: Don’t forget to join us on Thurs (8 pm CST/9 EST) for Twitter Chat at #AskTerry to weigh in on the week’s questions. If you have a relationship question or dilemma, email it to ask@terrycato.com

I Let Mr. Right Get Away

9 Mar

A few weeks ago a guest on the Steve Harvey talk show stated that she had Mr. Right and let him get away.  She stated that she did not appreciate him, she did not let him be a man, and she allowed other men to influence her decision regarding the relationship. As I listened to her segment, I was thinking, “first of all, how do you let a good man get away? And second, why would you consult another man, who is your friend, about your current relationship? Those are the things that made me go hmm.

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This woman’s situation may sound unique, but it happens more often than a lot of us can believe. Think about it, how many times we have all heard of a woman breaking off a relationship or divorcing a seemingly good man for a reason such as: he’s boring, I fell out of love with him, or I don’t know – something just wasn’t right. These all sound like lame excuses to end a relationship with a good man, but I have heard them all. I once heard the saying, “a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush” – in this situation having a good man who may be boring is better than being single and hoping to find something better; do women who are bored in their relationship end it with a glimmer of hope that they will find someone better, someone more exciting? Are we as women that shallow?

As the segment continued, this lady sought out Steve Harvey to bring her face to face with her former boyfriend to see if the boyfriend would have her back. She realized her mistake – she realized that she left her “Mr. Right” looking for her something better and it wasn’t out there. The truth of the matter is that the grass always looks greener on the other side, but when you get to the other side you realize that all grass needs water and nurturing to grow – and in some situations what may look like real grass is really artificial turf. What a disappointment!

As I addressed in a previous blog post, “The 80/20 Rule”, http://terry411cato.com/2011/08/, my advice is to never leave your 80% looking for 20% because you will soon realize that all relationships need nurturing and every person has faults – you may get the 20% that you are looking for but lose much more.

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